3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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