I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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