I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
