I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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