I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
