there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
