so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
