I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
