My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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