I heard we made out
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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