i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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