I didn't shave. On purpose
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
