Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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