oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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