i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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