ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
