Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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