Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
