A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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