She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
