His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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