I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
