I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
