Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
