If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
