I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
be right there i have to get my cape
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
