just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
