i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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