I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
