I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
