i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
