I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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