I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
