I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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