yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
