i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
