a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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