Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
