mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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