Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
