If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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