I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
