what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
