Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
