he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
