he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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