I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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