I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
