i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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