u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
