I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
