Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
